by John Wyatt
copyright 2000
From: Online.Registration.Service@Games.Registration.Server.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 1/3/00
Thank you for sending in your online registration for the Blaster’s of the
Jungle action game, by Whacked Out Games Pty, Ltd. Your registration has
been automatically forwarded to the customer service department of Whacked Out
Games. In addition, you will also receive access to our online support and
additional services. Thank you for using the Games Registration Server.
From: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 1/4/00
Congratulations upon joining the Windows on the World family of on-line
magazines. Each month you will receive the most up-to-date publications
available – delivered directly to your home computer! Inside you will find
articles and offers on the best hardware and software that the computing
industry has to offer! Nowhere else will find such comprehensive and up-to-date
information for such a low price. Attached you will find this month’s issue in
PDF format.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
Date: 1/5/00
I am writing to inform you that I have never requested a subscription to Windows
on the World. But thanks for the free issue.
From: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 1/6/00
We regret that we are unable to continue processing your BlasterCard application
due to a lack of information. Please reply to this address with the following
information:
Date of Birth
Current Address
Daytime telephone number
Thank you for choosing BlasterCard, the premier online banking card.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
Date: 1/6/00
I have never requested a BlasterCard, so please cancel the application. Did I
get on some kind of mailing list or something?
From: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 1/7/00
Thank you for your prompt response. Your BlasterCard application has been
approved with a $1000 credit line. With your new BlasterCard account you now
have access to a world of online information and services! Your current
statement follows:
BlasterCard Online Processing Fee - $50.00
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
Date: 1/8/00
How the hell can I have been granted a BlasterCard when I never even applied for
one! I didn’t even give you the info you asked for, so I don’t know how the hell
you ever granted me the card! I hope you don’t expect me to pay the damned
thing! Please cancel it immediately.
From: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/5/00
We have not yet received payment for your Windows on the World
subscription. To ensure that you don’t miss a single issue, please remit the
amount of $62.50 as quickly as possible.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
Date: 2/5/00
I never asked for a subscription to Windows on the World, so why should I pay
you? Please leave me alone. Go away.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Whacked.Out.Games.com
Date: 2/15/00
Your Blaster’s of the Jungle game really stinks! I’m still stuck on Level 2. I
have no bloody idea what the damned monkey is supposed to do and I can’t get
past him! I’ve tried every which way from Sunday to figure this stupid game out,
but no luck. Were you guys on drugs when you wrote this?
From: automatic.internet.mail.scan.bot@NSA.us.gov
To: FBI@us.gov
cc: DEA@us.gov
Date: 2/15/00
The following words were detected by the automatic mail scan engine during
routine monitoring of Internet e-mail: “Bloody” … “Sunday”, “drugs”. Bloody
Sunday is the name of a known terrorist organization which may be involved in
drug trafficking to finance its operations. Advise agencies to increase
monitoring on the address “BillyB@HisHome.com”.
From: Customer.Service@Whacked.Out.Games.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/18/00
Your complaint about our game Blaster’s of the Jungle has been received
and a copy of our hint book is attached to this e-mail, in PDF format. The cost
of the hint book has been applied to your BlasterCard account. Please note that
the errata corrects a typo in the original manual. The sequence for bringing up
the Alternate Action menu is Alt-m , not Alt-n . Thank you for choosing Whacked
Out Games.
From: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/19/00
Thank you for remitting your subscription fee to Windows on the World
magazine. Your prompt remittance guarantees that you will not miss a single
issue of this excellent magazine!
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Online.Subscription.Service@WOTW.magazine.com
Date: 2/20/00
I have no idea how you think you got paid, when I never sent you a dime. You
guys are too weird. Please cancel my subscription.
From: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/21/00
We are writing to inform you that your BlasterCard account is overdue. To avoid
collection and damage to your credit rating, please remit the amount
immediately. A copy of your statement is included:
BlasterCard Processing Fee - $50.00
Windows on the World magazine – $62.50
Whacked Out Games - $75.00
Late Fee - $12.00
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
Date: 2/22/00
I have never requested a BlasterCard and have no intention of paying.
From: WandHTXXX@Internet.xxx.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/22/00
Thank you for your recent subscription to the Wet and Hungry Triple-X Internet
Site. Your private username and password are attached to this e-mail. Your first
year’s subscription fee has been automatically applied to your BlasterCard
account. Enjoy and please pass this site on to your friends! As an added bonus,
please find attached a sampling of pictures from our specialty web sites.
Subscriptions to specialty sites are available for an additional fee.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: WandHTXXX@Internet.xxx.com
Date: 2/24/00
You guys are sick! I never subscribed to the Wet and Hungry Triple-X Site, nor
do I have a BlasterCard account, but now my mailbox is getting stuffed with all
kinds of unsolicited x-rated pictures. Please stop sending them and cancel any
subscription you think that I have. Whose mailing list am I on anyway???
From: Customer.Service@HisHome.com
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 2/27/00
Routine monitoring shows that you have been transferring sexually explicit
material, which violates the Terms of Service agreement for your online account.
This is a warning. Cease and desist from all such activity or your account will
be terminated.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@HisHome.com
Date: 2/27/00
I have never, repeat, never ever ever subscribed to any x-rated web sites. These
pictures are unsolicited and I have been deleting them as soon as they arrive.
THOSE jerks are the ones violating Terms of Service, not me! I don’t even know
how they got my e-mail address, unless somebody has been selling it on some
mailing list.
From: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 3/2/00
We are writing to inform you that your BlasterCard account is delinquent. To
avoid collection and damage to your credit rating, please remit the amount
immediately. A copy of your statement is included:
BlasterCard Processing Fee - $50.00
Windows on the World magazine – $62.50
Whacked Out Games - $75.00
Wet and Hungry Triple-X - $150.00
Late Fee - $24.00
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
Date: 3/3/00
You kill me with your stupid letters! The nerve of you idiots! I never requested
a damn BlasterCard account! Stop bothering or I’ll be forced to write to your
company president and tell him what I think of your stupid online banking
system!
From: automatic.Internet.mail.scan.bot@NSA.us.gov
To: FBI@us.gov
cc: SecretService@us.gov
Date: 3/3/00
The following words have been picked up in transmission: “kill”, “the”, “damn”,
“president”. This transmission was sent by a suspected member of the terrorist
group known as “Bloody Sunday.” The cell member, code named “BillyB”, may also
be involved in drug trafficking and Internet pornography to finance the
assassination plot. Recommend close monitoring of this account and retrieval of
the account information on file at the service provider “HisHome.com”.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Whacked.Out.Games.com
Date: 3/12/00
I finally figured out what the stupid monkey is *supposed* to do, but I can’t
figure out how I’m supposed to assemble the bomb and give it to the monkey so he
can carry it across the vines to the pagoda. Your stupid hint book was no help
at all. When I tried Alt-m to bring up the Alternate Action menu, my screen went
white and I had to reboot my whole system! You guys really need to clean house
there and get your games in order! Haven’t you ever heard of testing your
idiotic products before selling them?
From: automatic.Internet.mail.scan.bot@NSA.us.gov
To: FBI@us.gov
cc: SecretService@us.gov
Date: 3/12/00
The following words have been picked up in transmission while monitoring a known
member of the terrorist group Bloody Sunday: “I’m supposed to assemble the bomb
and”, “carry it”, “to the”, “white”, “house”. A stake out order and electronic
monitoring warrant has been electronically issued.
From: Customer.Service@Internet.Banking.org
To: BillyB@HisHome.com
Date: 3/14/00
We are writing to inform you that your delinquent BlasterCard account has been
canceled and the account sent to collection. Our collection agents will be
contacting you shortly. Thank you for choosing BlasterCard.
From: BillyB@HisHome.com
To: Customer.Service@Whacked.Out.Games.com
Date: 3/20/00
I finally got the bomb ready, but I can’t get the damn monkey to go over to the
pagoda! This is the dumbest game I’ve ever seen! I have decided that I’ll never
buy another one of your stupid games again! I’m giving up on it and going back
to the good old shoot-em up games where I can blast bad guys with my Uzi.
<Article appearing in Windows on the World magazine>
Date: 3/21/00
Yesterday, FBI and Secret Service agents combined forces to break up a
terrorist cell known as “Bloody Sunday.” The group had been planning to
assassinate the President of the United States by delivering a home-made bomb to
the White House. FBI agents had been monitoring the house for several hours when
they heard machine gunfire within the house. The agents immediately entered the
house and returned fire - killing the suspect. The bomb parts may have been
purchased online using a secret BlasterCard account, which may have also been
used to launder drug money. Oddly, the account had been canceled only a week
before the alleged assassination was to take place, possibly to cover his
tracks. The suspect was also under investigation for alleged participation in an
Internet pornography ring. This incident demonstrates the need for tightened
security measures and increased Federal monitoring in Internet transactions.
Kudos go to the staff at the HisHome.com Internet provider and BlasterCard,
Inc., for their assistance is detecting the unusual online activities.