by John Wyatt
copyright 2002

(Written in English Composition class, the instructor handed us each a balloon and gave us thirty minutes to write two pages.)

Have you ever thought about all of the things that a balloon can be used for? No? Then you are probably a sane, normal human being. I, however, being otherwise, have recently concluded a rather lengthy series of experiments on the number of possible uses, misuses and abuses of balloons.

Being quite flexible, they can be used as any ordinary rubber band (the subject of previous experiments), but for much heavier duty. So if you are ever walking down the street and see some poor child whose handlebars have fallen off of his bicycle, do not despair for lack of a rubber band. Takeout your trusty balloon and save the day!

I myself walked into a peculiar situation just last week. I was walking downtown and as I passed the 4 1/2 National Bank, two rather large fellows ran into me in their haste to leave the premises. I, of course, was very apologetic and noticed that much of their money had scattered over the sidewalk. Being quick of wit, I produced two balloons and bound the bills securely. The two men, completely non-plussed, broke into uncontrolled laughter. While they rolled helplessly on the ground the bank guards took them into custody (it seems that they were making their getaway after having robbed the establishment).

Balloons triumph again!

But aside from these normal, everyday uses there are other uses which are not so obvious. For example, should your house ever catch fire, no one person or group could ever hope to blow it out. But if everyone blew up large balloons, thus storing the air, the blaze could be quickly extinguished without wasting large amounts of water.

Balloons make excellent containers for liquids (and for hurling these liquids at others). One can make music by merely letting the air escape a balloon slowly while pinching the mouth of the balloon. If filled with helium they can be used to float disaster victims safely out of the area. If filled with hydrogen they can be used to burn the aforementioned victims out of the air in case you did not really wish to save them in the first place. They can be wrapped around the upper arm when taking blood or getting a fix; and in a pinch they can even serve as contraceptives!

As you can readily see, balloons are extremely versatile and I am quite certain that society will soon be quite dependent upon them.