The Ballad of Super Fink

by John Wyatt
copyright 2002

Super Fink, the Wonder Nut,
Rides about the town,
On his 80cc skateboard,
Looking like a clown.

But if a crime should ever in
His wanderings occur,
Then Super Fink's on top of it,
More faithful than a cur.

And so it was one Sunday morn,
Once quite long ago,
That Hackman's Jewelry, 4th and Main,
Was burglarized, oh woe!

And woe indeed for everyone,
For Hackman's alley wall
Was gone as if disintegrated!
Nothing left at all!

So Super Fink, the Wonder Nut,
Arrived upon the scene,
With Little Fink, his own sidekick,
A pair some think obscene.

Then Super Fink and Little Fink
Met with Police Chief Jones,
And went into the store to look
For clues and rest their bones.

And lo!  They found a fresh new crust
A laying on the floor,
And Super Fink asked Little Fink
Just what it might be for.

"Could be a clue," said Little Fink,
"Though really I'm not sure."
"I see," said Super Fink, "a clue.
Well Chief, do you concur?"

"Could be a clue, though really now,
Could be most anything.
But just in case I think that we
Should check it just the same."

So Super Fink did taste the crust,
Which gave his throat a tickle.
"Why Little Fink," he said "I think
That this is pumpernickel!"

"Oh woe!  Oh woe!" cried Little Fink,
"If this be what I think!
For if it is then this could be
The end of Super Fink!"

"Oh yes, could be." said Super Fink.
"Could be the end of me.
For see, to pumpernickel I have
Quite an allergy!"

"Oh no!  Oh no!"  cried Little Fink,
"It isn't that at all!
This bread means much much more than that.
It could be our downfall!

"This bread, I feel, betides us woe,
My senses be not fickle,
For this, I think, means that it is
The Scarlet Pumpernickel!"

Who is this man of whom they speak
With open heartfelt fear?
Could it be the end of them
Is really very near?

Then on the scene arrived a man
Unknown to anyone.
He strode up to our trio and
Inquired what could be done.

"And who are you?" replied Chief Jones,
"I'd really like to know.
The crowd's behind the barrier,
I think you'd better go."

"But wait!  But wait!" the stranger cried,
"I may be of assist!
For if this crime's unsolvable,
Then Fate's a cruel twist.

"A Super Hero I've for you,
A pair both strong and true.
So if this crime is difficult,
Then they're just right for you.

"Batman's one, both tall and strong,
Epitome of right.
The other's Robin, stalwart too,
Who's never prone to flight."

"We've no need of a Batman here,
No matter what you think,
For we have one who's better yet:
Our Hero Super Fink!"

"And what, praytell," the stranger asked,
"Might be a Super Fink?
For none could beat our Batman
And his Robin I do think."

"I," our Super Hero said,
"Am Super Fink, you see.
And I am much much better so,
Than Batman ever be."

"To see which one is better we
Must really have a race.
Whoever finds the bad guy wins,
The other loses face."

"A race would be just fine with me."
Our Super Fink did say.
"But I am sure to win the race,
So shall we start today?"

"But it will take a day or two
For Batman to arrive.
So 'till he does, to solve this crime
You really shouldn't strive."

So Super Fink and Little Fink
Did set the day of race.
And then when Batman came to town
Fink met him face to face.

"I'll tell you who the crook is so
You won't be in a pickle.
The one who robbed the jewelry store's
The Scarlet Pumpernickel."

They drove up to the starting line
Which throngs of people lined,
And Jones discussed their sportsmanship,
While engines they did wind.

And now the chief holds up the flag,
And now he lets it down.
And now the air is filled with dust
As they tear out of town!

The Batmobile did take the lead,
With Super Fink behind.
And, on his unicycle, we do
Little Fink, last, find.

They headed south on 85
And towards the forest zoomed.
With these four guys on this crooks trail,
The Pumpernickel's doomed!

A little while later Batman
To a crossroads came.
And lo! A sign was standing there,
Pointing down one lane.

He stopped the car up near the sign,
To see what it might say.
"If thou wouldst go to Pumpernickel,
Take the left hand way."

"Well really now," did Robin say,
"This surely is a ruse.
To heed the sign and take the way,
Our brains must need be loose!"

So down the right hand way they went,
A laughing all the way,
For being so far out in front,
They thought they'd take the day.

A little later, Super Fink came
To the sign as well.
And he just stood a watching it
(He couldn't read too well).

Little Fink rode up and said:
"This is our lucky day!
To find the Pumpernickel we
Must take the left hand way!"

"That's funny," Super Fink replied,
"That's what the sign says too."
So down the left hand road they went,
Our Super Heroes two.

But we'll go down the right hand road
And follow it a way,
To see what fate the Batmobile
Has fallen in today.

The Batmobile is motionless,
Hood propped with a bar.
And then was Robin heard to say:
"Just what's wrong with the car?"

"The thing-a-what did fremulate,
The flabergast is dead."
"And what's that mean?" did Robin say.
"It's broken."  Batman said.

So we'll look down the left hand way,
That Super Fink did choose,
To find out if the sign be true,
Or only just a ruse.

Our Heroes to a clearing came,
And there they paused to rest.
And in the center stood a hut.
The Pumpernickel's nest?

Our Heroes crept up cautiously,
Intent to take a peek.
They pushed the door quite carefully,
It opened with a creak.

 Inside they found a trapdoor with
A ladder leading down.
If Super Fink can catch this crook
He'll win untold renown.

They scurried down the ladder and
They paused to check the lay.
The passageway split off in two.
They took the left hand way.

They walked a ways and Super Fink
Did stop and sniff the air.
To Little Fink he said: "We're near
The Pumpernickel's lair."

"How can you tell?"  asked Little Fink,
"Where Pumpernickel hides?"
"My allergy."  said Super Fink.
"I'm breaking out in hives."

They came unto a door and paused,
Deciding what to do.
They pushed it open carefully,
None braver than our two.

The room was lined with complex gear
And, noiseless as a cat,
Our Heroes crept up to the chair
Where Pumpernickel sat!

Then Pumpernickel turned around,
A gleam was in his eye.
And with a sneer he said to them:
"I'm glad you could drop by!

"If you resist what I shall say
It will be quite a pity,
For if you don't do what I want,
I'll blow up Gothic City!"

Could this bring down the curtain on
Our Super Hero pair?
And so thought Super Fink, 'till he
Saw Pumpernickel's chair.

For it was motorized, you see,
And so our Hero thought,
If he could have a race with him,
Their freedom might be bought.

So Super Fink did challenge him,
And they did set a race,
For Pumpernickel thought that with
His chair they'd not keep pace.

The Pumpernickel set the course
And Super Fink the day.
But though this crook was confident,
Would he really win the fray?

The sun dawned on the day of race
And who among the best,
Could think that on this Sunday morn
The city's fate would rest.

The course ran past the Dumptown mill,
Across an iron bridge.
It curved around a two mile loop,
And back by Harper's Ridge.

The Pumpernickel said to Fink:
I'm sure to win the race,
So if you'd rather give up now,
I'm sure you won't lose face.

"For I've a secret weapon here."
The Pumpernickel swore.
"And what is that?" asked Super Fink.
"I CHEAT!" and out he tore.

Then Super Fink went after him,
His throttle opened wide.
But Pumpernickel's chair was fast,
As 'round the curves he'd slide.

He went on past the mill and stopped
Upon the bridge of steel.
He placed a package under it.
Oh what a rotten deal!

And now our Hero nears the bridge,
We see he's almost there.
And now our sight's obscured as
The bomb blast rips the air!

Is this the end of Super Fink?
Does all his work end here?
But wond'rous is the sight we see
As wind the air does clear.

The bridge is gone, the girders bent,
The few remains are burnt.
But lo!  The bomb went off too soon
And Super Fink's unhurt!

But still he has to cross the stream
To win this fair and square.
So Pumpernickel still might win,
And poor the city'd fare.

But one lone girder formed a ramp,
And sloped up toward the sky.
And if our Hero hit it right,
Then o'er the creek he'd fly!

So Super Fink backed up a ways
And let his engine roar.
And then he took the throttle and
He tromped it to the floor.

He hit the ramp at 65
And flew into the air.
He landed on the farther side
And down the road did tear.

He passed the Pumpernickel's chair
A mile down the lane.
The Pumpernickel cursed and swore,
But this crook had no shame.

He turned off on an old back road,
Which cut across the loop.
And so we see to what low cheats
This criminal will stoop.

He thought if he could cut across
The loop to Harper's Ridge,
He'd be so far in front he needn't
Bomb the second bridge.

But Super Fink was fast that day,
His throttle opened wide.
So when the crook came to the ridge,
They both were side by side!

A fearsome contest they did have
As 'round the curves they'd race.
The Pumpernickel's chair was floored,
But Super Fink kept pace.

And now they reach the final curve
Before they cross the brook,
And Super Fink backed off a bit.
But not this wily crook.

He hit the curve at 85,
His throttle opened full.
He sped in front, around the curve,
And then he lost control!

The chair flew off the dusty road;
The Pumpernickel screamed!
He struck a tree a glancing blow,
And towards the brook careened!

He flew across and towards the bank,
He landed with a thud!
The Pumpernickel, hurt and stunned,
Sank into the mud!

Our Hero zoomed across the bridge
And towards the city tore.
He soared across the finish line,
He's saved the town once more!

The people cheered and hailed him
As their deliverer.
For beating such a crook as this,
His fame will spread for sure!

But back upon the river bank,
The Pumpernickel stirred.
He knew the cops would be there soon,
To stay would be absurd.

He figured he'd run to the hills,
Where he could hide away.
And later he would come and bomb
The city anyway.

But when he tried to climb the bank,
He found he was stuck fast!
And so the crook was thrown in jail,
To brood upon his past.

So Super Fink has saved the day,
But though the Good Guys won,
Then why should Batman look so sore,
And Robin act so glum?

"Darn!" said Batman. "Double darn!
Of all the stupid clucks!
This silly race of Super Fink's
Has cost me fifty bucks!"

Now Super Fink and Little Fink
To this town have the key.
And after this their fame will live
Throughout eternity.

As Super Fink was honored for
This Herculean task,
Our Little Fink went up and said:
"This question I must ask.

"When Pumpernickel you did beat,
For which thee I do thank,
He tried to leave the river's side,
But couldn't climb the bank."

Then Super Fink did answer him:
"This question that you posed,
Is really very simple: see,
On Sunday banks are closed."