Arguments With God

by John Wyatt
copyright 2007

“Go to Nordstrom’s! God wants you to go to Nordstrom’s!”

Larry glanced in the direction of the voice. The man looked crazy – long, straggly black hair that had never seen scissors or soap, dressed in jeans that had barely survived the 1800’s, and ringing his little bell at every passerby. This was one crazy shopping mall! Larry’s pace quickened as he tried to hurry by – he was in no mood to listen to a crazy street preacher.

Suddenly, the man was right in Larry’s face, speaking in a near whisper: “God wants you to go to Nordstrom’s.”

Larry whirled about and hurried out of the mall. This place was just too crazy! First it had been the pollsters insisting that he take every survey under the sun, then the cell phone hucksters reaching out from their kiosks, and now this! What insane impulse had made him try the South County Mall instead of going to his usual downtown stores? Sure, the mall had better parking and more stores – but there were also more crazies!

Larry drove home flustered, nearly hitting two pedestrians as he zoomed out of the parking lot. He could tell by their shouts that they failed to appreciate how deftly he had swerved at just the last second. They should be thankful this wasn’t Death Race, where they would be worth 300 points each!

Larry arrived at home mentally exhausted. He flopped on the couch, turned on the radio, and opened his journal. On the inside cover he had taped a clipping from his Zen calendar:

“Do not believe in that which comes to your imagination,
thinking that it must be the revelation of a superior being”

– Buddha

Larry’s Journal

Dear diary – you wouldn’t believe the weird day I had today! I tried the South County Mall, and it was just too weird for me! Everywhere I went, somebody was pestering me to buy something! One crazy guy even tried to tell me that God wanted me to go to Nordstroms!!

Why didn’t you go?


I asked, why didn’t you go?

Who the heck are you???

I Am Who I Am. Who are you?

I’m Larry…wait a minute, if this is my hand doing the writing, how come I’m not in control?

Because I’m in control – when I need to be.

Ok – just breathe and start over again…I was at the South County Mall.

Yes, I really like that place. Lots of stores and fun things to do!

OK – just stop it! Who the heck ARE you???


…. Uh, really?

No, I’m your proctologist and you’re becoming a pain in my …. Just kidding! I really am God!

You mean…THE GOD???

There’s more than one?

You tell me!

If there were other Gods, then I wouldn’t get bored and create things like planets and people! You can’t imagine what it’s like being the One and Only One! Talk about Lonely Hearts! I couldn’t even put an ad in the personals until I’d created newspapers and people to read them! YOU try being God for awhile and see how YOU like it!

I….I always thought you were, like, really super good and knew everything.

Yes – it gets really boring. I always know in advance if I’m going to win or lose the next 20 billion hands of solitaire. Why do you think I manifest as you?

What … you manifest as me?

You’ve read the Mystics – you know what I’m talking about. And you meditate daily. Don’t tell me you haven’t realized that God creates by manifesting Herself as the Created?

Well… yes, I mean, in theory at least, I knew that. What do you mean, “Herself?” Are you female?

I give birth to Reality, so that must make me a Girl God. Hey, maybe that’s why I like Nordstroms so much! And you’ve got to admit, Chocolate was a great invention!

I’ve felt your presence in my meditations – deep in the silence, I can feel the Divine Oneness. I hope to return to that Oneness!

WHAT! I just get you kids out of the house and right away you want to come back! No way, buster! I happen to LIKE manifesting as a human being and visiting shopping malls! (Don’t you just LOVE that new Dairy Queen over by the video store!)

You mean, we really ARE your chosen people?

Well…. <ahem> actually, the Vendrians of Probost Seven are The Chosen People – but you humans are very recreational! And it’s amazing how much fun you can have with only two sexes! I can truly say that it’s fun to be you! But the Vendrians have no want, no poverty, and no material needs of any kind. They have very nearly reached total perfection!

They sound very fortunate. For me, it isn’t always fun – like the flu I had last month! Where were you then??

I was there – but realize that I was also the flu virus. I didn’t say that Me having fun was always going to include your Ego having fun. Viruses are people too, you know. After all, what do you think you’re made of? You’re a conglomeration of DNA and other molecules – and the only real difference between you (Larry) and a virus is the number and arrangement of these very same molecules. You see, you’re really a part of God thinking that you’re an individual named Larry. In Reality, “Larry” doesn’t exist at all.

Then you won’t mind me coming home to be one with the Oneness.

Ouch! I guess I had that coming, didn’t I?

So who is writing in whose journal? Are you God writing in Larry’s journal, or am I Larry writing in God’s journal? And by the way, why is there Good and Evil? And why is there disease and war and poverty and hundreds of different religions killing each other in Your name?

Interesting questions – but irrelevant. What’s really important is why I made humans in the first place.

And why is that?

Shopping malls! The Vendrians are wonderful people (though I gave them far more arms than they really needed), but the problem with having no material wants is that they’ve become boring! All they do is sit around and contemplate their wonderful existence and my wonderful Love. BORING! I want to shop! I want to go places, do things, have FUN! And to do that, I need to create things to buy and places to go. That’s why I created people, so they would in turn create shopping malls and theme parks and sailboats and all manner of entertainment!

So, we’re basically a planet-sized toy box?

Now you’ve got it! And, as toys go, you’re the greatest! The Vendrians were fun for the first couple of billion years, but now they just contemplate the Divine, and you can’t imagine just how BORING it gets to be One with Myself for all this time!

Now wait just a minute! I thought that Time only existed as an artifact – it only exists because we limited humans can’t perceive “everything” at once! Time shouldn’t even exist for You! So how could You get bored!?

Oh – so now you’re the Smart One? Listen who knows all about Time and how it doesn’t exist for God! Well – it doesn’t. But what does exist is even WORSE!

What? Please, enlighten me!



I knew you wouldn’t understand.

What the hell is “Flunf?”

Close enough.

What’s “close enough?”

“Hell.” It’s the fact of being bored, even though there’s no time. So basically, it’s Eternal Boredom. I don’t know why people think that boredom has anything to do with time. It’s a feeling, and you can’t imagine what it’s like to simply BE – BORED! I invented Time as a way of becoming UN-BORED! It gives me a way to manifest as a multitude of beings simultaneously. Pretty neat, huh?

Well, yes, I guess so. Though still, I’d sure like some answers to the most pressing questions – about Good and Evil, war and pestilence, and life after death.

Ok, I’ll make it quick. There’s a shoe sale where I really want to be completely “present”!

“Good” is what you call things that you like. “Evil” is what you call things that you don’t like. Disease is just Me having fun in another form (like bacteria). Sorry for the inconvenience. And if you call what you have a “Life”, then no, there isn’t one after death. Just more Flunf. But don’t worry, “Larry” doesn’t really exist anyway – your identity is just an Ego created illusion. Without it, I’d just be talking to myself.

Which, technically, is what you’re doing anyway.

Now don’t get technical with Me! I’ll send a Flood your way if you’re not careful!


No – I’m just pulling your leg. I wouldn’t do that. It leaves a terrible mess and all the stores would be closed..

Well, you sent a Flood once.

Gosh - I forget to turn off the faucet just once and they never let you forget! I’ve already said “I’m sorry” about a hundred million times, so let it go already!



So, what next.

The shoe sale.

Ok, though I don’t know if they come in Universal Double Wide!

Cute! I like you! You’re funny! You’ll look even funnier at the shoe sale!

I thought that You were going to the sale?

And I thought I made it clear that I manifest as You!

But….but…I don’t even NEED shoes!

Don’t worry, I mostly like trying them on and don’t really buy that many. Why do you think I was trying to get you into Nordstroms earlier?

You mean …. That man wasn’t crazy? God really did want me to go to Nordstroms?

Oh he’s crazy all right! Makes it easier for me. You people really shouldn’t listen to the “sane” people so much. You should listen to the crazies! It’s far easier for them to accept My Voice in their heads!

Oh… well, ok. I mean, I guess I should do what God wants. But, is this going to damage my sanity?

You act as if “sanity” is such a wonderful thing. It isn’t. You remember that movie with the Bushman and the Coke bottle?

You mean “The Gods Must Be Crazy?”

Yes! That one!

You mean, you’re … crazy?

By your standards – very crazy. But then, no sane person would willingly manifest disease.

What about the military-industrial complex and germ warfare?

I said “sane” human! I wasn’t referring to them!

I see. Thank you for clearing that up.

You’re welcome.

So, I gather I’m to be your escort to Nordstroms?

I like that idea! Yes – let’s get going!

Joan was strolling casually through the mall, drawn to the sound of a tinkling bell. Outside Nordstroms she saw a tall, haggard man ringing his tiny bell and chanting:

“Go to Nordstrom’s! God wants you to go to Nordstrom’s!”

Behind the man was a sign announcing a shoe sale. She watched in fascination as shoppers tried on shoes as if it were a religious experience. One man seemed nervous at first, but was soon trying on shoes with increasing enthusiasm.

“I’ve got to check out this sale!” She hurried into the store and was soon immersed in the near Holy Frenzy of the sale! Outside, the man continued ringing his bell and chanting his chant:

“Go to Nordstrom’s! God wants you to go to Nordstrom’s!”

And Part Two is now posted as God's Diaries...