Arguments With God - God's Diaries

by John Wyatt
copyright 2007

And the Lord said to Job:
“Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
Anyone who argues with God must respond.”
– Job 40:1-2

After inspiring Arguments With God, She decided to open Her diaries to help clear up some misconceptions about the past. As before, She chose a Holy Ghostwriter (me) to author this portion; however, the words are entirely Hers (or at least that’s what She told me). I bear none of the responsibility, though I’ll likely get all of the blame!

We begin at the moment of Creation:

Day Zero



Ok – that was boring.




Ok – that was boring too. What to do – Now?


It’s still Now.


Ok … Still Now…. No change.


Is there anybody OUT there?


Ok – I guess it’s just Me, whoever “Me” is.

Flunf!! Why am I so bored????!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …

Hey, wait! I know! I’ll invent Time! That way, I can be different tomorrow! Maybe then I’ll be less bored!

The First Day

Dear Diary – now that there’s Time, I can start recording the stuff that I do! Actually, I wrote yesterday’s entry today, since there really wasn’t a Yesterday until there was Time.

Ok, what to do Now? ….

Ok, so why is it still “ Now?” What happened to Tomorrow? Oh, wait, Yesterday’s Tomorrow is now Today. Gosh, this gets so confusing! Still, there should be just LOTS of stuff to do Now! Like ….

I suppose I could contemplate my navel; that is, if I have a navel. I wonder … do I have one? I can’t quite tell. Actually, having ANYTHING to contemplate would be an improvement right about now! Oh! I know! ….

Dear Diary – (still Today) I just created the Heavens and the Earth! It was so much fun! There’s stuff everywhere! And most of it bounces! Some of it spins, too! Well, most of it, anyway. Some of it just splats (ack – that’s going to leave a stain!) Still, it’s lots of fun to play with! I – ouch!

Drat – I keep hitting that darned planet every time I move – Ack! What the heck was THAT!? I – ouch – can’t see a darned thing! I …..


Uh oh – that can’t be good. I’ve got all this “stuff” everywhere and now I keep bumping into it! Isn’t there a light switch someone around here? Maybe this is it? Oh, wait – I didn’t invent that yet. I still can’t see a darned thing! <crunch!!!> Sorry about that! I didn’t see you there! Ack – THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!…



There! That’s much better!

The Second Day

Ok – so maybe “water” wasn’t such a good idea. It not only doesn’t bounce, but now it’s leaking all over Heaven! I’ve got to get this stuff separated – living in a soggy house is even less fun than being bored.

Hey! That means I must have invented “misery!” I didn’t think there could be anything worse than boredom – but having water all over my house is definitely worse! That’s great! I just love making stuff! Ok, now to create the mop

Phew! I think I’m going to call this stuff “work,” which is what I’ve been doing most of the day to get all this water separated. Maybe tomorrow I can invent “play?” All Work and no Play makes Me a dull person!

Wait … there’s Water drifting back up as vapor … apparently this stuff doesn’t want to stay separated! Ok, I’ll just put a “sky” between Me and the Water. That way, it will stop there and just run back down the sky! I’m so clever!

Oh – sorry about all those things I squished when it was still Dark. I’m not sure what they were, but now they’re squiggling all over and smearing up the whole Heavens. I’ll just sweep them under the Earth and deal with them later.

The Third Day

Dear Diary – It’s been one water leak after another! Honestly, I don’t know why I ever created that stuff. It isn’t bouncy at all and just gets everywhere! I should have created Plumbers first. Well, this morning I raised up some dry land, so maybe that will keep the Water in its place! If separating Water from everything works out, then I’ll invent the “bathtub” and take nice, long baths!

I invented “plants” today! Those things will drink up the Water that spills down from the sky. I made the plants pretty, so they’ll be nice to look at. They aren’t much fun to play with, though…they’re rather fragile. Still, they drink the Water and that has to be Good!

I think I’ll make some nice lotus flowers next and – hey! GET OUT OF THE WATER!!!! You’re supposed to drink the water – not live in it! Gee! Well, just for that, I’ll make some cactuses over there! Those things won’t try living in the water! And…oh, sorry Papyrus – I’ll give you longer stems so you can keep your heads above the Water. I know – I’ll make it so you can all “evolve” if you need to – that way, you can adapt yourselves if you need to. That’s easier than me having to play “Sim-Universe” until the end of Time.

Hydrangeas, Begonias, Lilies – making plants is just so much fun! I think I’ll call this a “Garden!” Let’s see…. Hey! You Dandelions aren’t supposed to be doing that! If you don’t stop you’ll …. AH – AH – AH – CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

<sniffle> I tink I jusd idvended allergies.

Great – now Dandelion seeds are everywhere.

Haven’t you guys ever heard of Planned Parenthood?

The Fourth Day

Dear Diary – Honestly, had I known that a Garden would be so much work I’d have invented roller coasters instead. I guess I’d better string some lights up for the Night, so I’ll have more time to work on my Garden. There’s a bunch of shards left over where I knocked something over back on the First Day; I’ll just collect them and string them up in the Heavens. Then at least I’ll have some kind of Night Lights. This shouldn’t take too terribly long.

Dear Diary – I can’t believe it took me ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT to get these darned lights strung up! Just ONE bulb goes out – and the whole string goes out! I sure hope I appreciate all the Work that I’m doing!

The Garden has had a whole day untended – I wonder how it’s doing?



The Fifth Day

Dear Diary – What a Day it’s been! First, it was the Dandelions – and before I could stop it, ALL the plants were reproducing as fast as they could! Now they are everywhere! And not just in the Water – it’s just as bad on Land! It’s just one huge Swamp down there! I don’t even recall creating “seaweed!” This whole “reproduction” thing has gotten entirely out of hand!

So I spent most of the Day making things I call “Animals” to eat the Plants. I hope this keeps the Plants from covering everything. The Animals seem to like living in the Water. Whales are especially cute! They just love to play and sing and cavort about! I can’t imagine a World without Whales!

Oh crap! (And I mean that literally.) Animals make an even worse mess than the plants! Not only that, but they like reproducing even more than the Plants! Gee – you say “Be fruitful and multiply” – and they DO! I mean they really DO! Now my Ocean bottom is literally covered in Animal poop! (What was I thinking when I made Whales???). Now there are so many Animals they are eating up all of my precious Plants! Soon there won’t be any of them left!!! What to do Now????

Dear Diary – I made some new Animals – they eat only other Animals! (heh heh heh!) That should keep things under control! Now they won’t be eating up all of my Plants!

The Sixth Day

Ok – it’s officially out of control! The Plants are covering all the dry land (even the cactuses are everywhere!) The Animals evolved special breathing organs – I’ll call them “lungs,” and came out to eat the land Plants. Who invented “evolution” anyway? <Oh, right – that would be Me!>

Naturally, the Roses complained about being eaten. (They always find something to gripe about – either “it’s too hot,” or “it’s too cold,” or “it’s too wet!”) Anyway, since they showed more restraint that those seed-happy Dandelions, I gave them some thorns. That should make them less tasty to the Animals.

Dear Diary – It isn’t even Night yet and I’m up to my stars in Animal poop! Sure, the Plants love it, but I miss walking in my Garden and tending the nice little Plants. Now I’ll have to invent “shoes” just to go for a nice walk!

Having Animals that eat Animals had seemed like a good idea at the Time – but they just generate more poop! I’ve GOT to get some help around here!

That gives me an idea….

Dear Diary – I can’t believe I’m finally finished! I made some Gardeners, male and female, and put ALL the Plants and Animals under their control! Now all I have to do is sit back and enjoy playing! “Humans” will be doing all of my Work from now on! (I should have thought of this Days ago!)

I told them to be fruitful – but I left out the “and multiply” part. I just said “increase your numbers.” I’m not making that “multiply” mistake again! I’m not going to have Humans covering the Earth eating all my Plants and Animals and driving Humvees to Work! (I never should have invented Humvees – in fact, I think I’ll kill them all off and just call them “Dinosaurs.” If Humans ever find about Humvees the Earth will never be safe!)

Now to kick back and invent Daytime TV!

The Seventh Day

How did THAT Plant get in the Garden? Who in Flunf needs a “Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil” anyway? I told the Humans not to eat from it – at least not until I figure out where it came from. I suspect that it grew up from the gunk that I swept under the Earth a few Days ago. I never did get a good look at it. I thought it was just some squiggly broken stuff I had knocked over on the First Day – but now it’s taken on a Life of its own. I just hope it doesn’t cause any trouble.

Dear Diary – You wouldn’t believe what I caught that Man and Woman doing in my Garden! I mean, couldn’t they have built a Motel and gotten a room? I asked them what they were doing, but they were so embarrassed they fled the Garden and ran out into the Wilderness! (I hadn’t gotten around to creating anything there yet; now the Humans will have to figure out what to do with it for themselves.) With my luck, they’ll probably tell their kids that I threw them out! I’ll have to make sure they know that they’re welcome back anytime.

I finally figured out what happened – those two Humans had eaten that nasty fruit from the new tree – even after I told them not to! There was some snake hanging about, saying that it would be good for them. He says he’s from the Marketing Department and that He was just doing some “advertising.” I knew I should have invented the garbage disposal, instead of just sweeping that gunk under the Earth. Now Humans will have Marketing Creatures everywhere bombarding them with Advertising!

Still, this idea of “Buying” stuff sounds interesting….

The First Year

That Woman finally had a child – after about five thousand tries! Honestly, I don’t see Plants trying that many times to make a baby! They try once and have hundreds of babies! (Hmmmmm, I wonder if that’s why there are so many Plants?)

Still, I should have created something more productive for Humans to do.

Actually, I’ve been thinking more about this Marketing business, and I’ve decided that I like the idea of Other People making stuff for me to Buy. It relieves Me of the need to make Everything, and it gives Humans something better to do than keep trying to make more babies. I’ll ask them to make “Shopping Malls!”

The First Millennia

Dear Diary – Humans aren’t building Malls as quickly as I had hoped. The “Market of Cain” idea isn’t catching on very fast. I probably should have foreseen that, but then I’d lose all the fun of not knowing what will happen next! I guess they’ll need more people to Buy things.

As I suspected, that Man and Woman have been telling stories about how I “drove them from Paradise!” Honestly – who invented “lying” anyway? They call it “Spin Doctoring” – something they learned from that Marketing Guy. I’d better keep a closer eye on him.

Actually, since there are more Humans now, I should probably stop calling them “That Man and Woman.” I’ll call them “Adam” and “Eve,” for no particular reason. They’ve got a load of kids that aren’t turning out any better than the Animals. They eat just about anything (except for avocados – I think I made the pits too big). I’ll have to invent guacamole or something like that so they’ll have to eat the darned things. I can’t have the Earth becoming overrun with avocados!

So, what lessons have I learned so far?

  1. Don’t make anything unless I also make something that eats it.
  2. Buying stuff is a lot more fun than making stuff.
  3. It isn’t fun unless you can get in trouble for it.
  4. Marketing is Evil.

Dear Diary – I can’t believe I actually did it! It was so much fun! I’ve watched the Humans do it for a long time and finally I got my chance! Some Humans say it isn’t such a big deal, but it is! Some of them make a big fuss getting ready for the main event, while others just dive right in! I’m a ‘dive right in’ Goddess!

Realize, this was my very first sandal sale, and I wasn’t prepared for the frenzy that comes over some people at these events! This will really make the Market of Cain live in people’s memory for thousands of years!

Well, unless they get all caught up in his killing the competition and creating the Earth’s first Monopoly. Now his brother’s moping about and sighing about how his brother just “killed his business.” Well, nobody needed Abel’s Able Amphitheater anyway. There isn’t enough History to write plays about yet! Who’s great Marketing idea was that, anyway? Now Abel’s kids are running around chanting “Uncle killed my Dad’s business” and threatening to boycott anybody who’s associated with the Market of Cain. Abel’s gone back to shepherding and is acting as if he’d been literally killed! Honestly, Humans can get so mixed up sometimes – like that business with Noah…

After a long day of Creating and Shopping, it’s nice to relax in a nice, hot bath. I’d bought these nice new bath salts and had settled in for a long soak. Of course, the problem with creating the future is that it doesn’t always turn out as I expected. I had decided that Chocolate and Bathtubs were a natural combination, so I made this really cosmic-sized bathtub out of Milk Chocolate. Unfortunately, I had forgotten what a mess it was on Day 1 when the Water had gotten everywhere...


“Hhmmmph….” he moaned slowly, clamping his eyes tighter as he pulled his bedcovers over his head.


“What!!!???” He leapt from bed, bleary eyed from the previous night’s party.

“Thank you for paying attention to Me.”

“Uh…sure. No problem. Uh…who are You?”

“I ... uh … I just Am … that’s who I Am!”

“Great – you’re probably that guacamole dip I had last night.”

“NO I’M NOT! … Say, did you really like the guacamole?”

“Can’t stand the stuff. I wonder what idiot invented that green mess?”

“Never mind the guacamole! <ahem> I…uh…need to give you a warning. My, uh, bathtub is starting to leak.”

“What’s a ‘bathtub’?”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t know. They don’t seem to be very popular down there. Anyway, it’s going to get really wet down there – I mean REALLY wet! You need to invent the umbrella – and quickly!”

“What the heck is an ‘umbrella’? You keep using all these strange words. And why do I hear you in my head but can’t see you?”

“Because I haven’t invented the ‘bath towel’ yet. Look, do you know what an ‘ark’ is?”

“Uh, sure. It’s a really big boat. Huge.”

“Right! Well, you’re going to need an umbrella the size of an Ark for this water leak!”

“What! I need to build an Ark?”

“NO! I said you need to build an umbrella the size of … oh, what the heck. You may as well build what you know. Knock yourself out, Noah. Build yourself an Ark. It’s going to get pretty wet. This chocolate bathtub is melting fast with all this hot water.”

“So, how big does this Ark have to be?”

“Cubits – hundreds of cubits.”

“What’s a ‘cubit’?”

“I thought you knew? Oh, wait, that’s Venox Seven. They use cubits.”

“Venox Seven?”

“Never you mind. Just get going on that Ark. Then, get everybody into it – Humans, Plants, Animals – everybody!”

“Even Whales?”

“Well, maybe not the sea Animals – they’ll love all the extra Water. And Plants will probably be fine. Birds too, I suppose. Ok, just the land Animals and People.”

“That’s a lot of work - what should I tell them is going to happen?”

“Uh – tell them (gosh, how do I explain the concept of ‘baths’ to these people). OH – I know! Tell them that Goddess is angry at the avocados and is sending a Flood to destroy them! There! That should make amends for that awful green fruit!”

“I thought avocados were vegetables?”

“No, you’re thinking of Tomatoes.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure that Tomatoes are Fruits too.”

“Fine. Have it your way. <poof!> Tomatoes are now Fruits. Now hurry up with that Ark! This tub won’t last another month! And that’s not much Time from My perspective!”

“Great. So I’m to tell people that God is sending a Flood to destroy them…”

“NO! I’m not sending it … it’s an…an accident! Look, I put this whole Universe thingy together in only six days – it’s still got bugs, ok? Oh, wait…one more thing.”

“What now?”

“Make up raspberry jam. Lots of it. Barrels and barrels.”

“I don’t think we can live on just raspberry jam. Shouldn’t we lay aside a wide assortment of food? (except no guacamole.)”

“It isn’t for you. The raspberry jam is for Me – it should go well with the tub. It turns out that Chocolate is a lot more fun to eat than it is to bathe in!”

The Second Millennia

I stuck an appointment note on my wall to remind me to create Plumbers, so I’ll finally have more help managing all this Water. The Humans think it’s pretty and call it a “Rainbow.” I told them that it’s My promise to create Plumbers so we won’t have any more Great Floods.

The Babel Mall was an unparalleled disaster! Even worse than the San Francisco earthquake! (And that hasn’t even happened yet!) Nimrod put this dyslexic engineer in charge of the whole project, and no one could read his instructions! It was like he was writing in some completely foreign language! That left Marketing in charge of the construction – what a disaster!

They’ll probably blame it all on Me.

The Third Millennia

“Jonah – Go to Nineveh! God wants you to go to Nineveh!”

“What?” Jonah had just settled down to dinner.

“You’re not deaf! I said: GOD wants you to go to Nineveh! You know, the capital of the ancient Assyrian Empire!”

“I know who they are! And they aren’t ancient!”

“Not yet…”

“Why should I go there? Nineveh’s a long way from here! Besides, those are rotten people. I don’t like them. You really should punish them.”

“I don’t do that, Jonah. I love everyone! They aren’t really Bad people, they just need to hear the voice of Love!”

“From ME?? I HATE Assyrians! I’d rather you swallow them up – like Sodom and Gomorrah!”

“That was an accident! You try cooking with your brand new Uranium powered barbeque and see how it turns out!” Look, I replaced Abraham’s tent and promised him so many children that they would outnumber the Stars! I think that more than makes up for one teensy little accident!

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but if you make me one of those barbeques, I’ll take it to Nineveh and barbeque their hindquarters!”

“<ahem> Jonah…”

“Yes, God?”

“How long can you tread water?”

“Uh… ”

“Because I see this whole thing turning out with You trying to run away on a ship, Me sending a terrible storm, You getting thrown overboard, and Me sending a great Whale to swallow you up! (I knew I had a good reason for making Whales!)”

“Oh…I see. Well, I don’t really like the way that story turns out.”

“It’s too late now, Jonah. What God wants, She gets! Don’t you know, my Word is how I create! So you see, by just imagining it, it’s going to happen!”

“Oh. Well, in that case, how about the whale spitting me up on the beach three days later, safe and unharmed?”

“Hmmmm. Ok, but I get to choose the beach.”

“Fine, as long as I’m not hurt.”

“You’ll be fine <on the beach at Nineveh>.”

“Wait a minute! Nineveh doesn’t even HAVE a beach! It’s inland! The closest water is the Tigris river!”

“One moment please……. Ok, now there’s a beach! I’m sure my whale will have no trouble swimming up the Tigris and spitting you out on the brand new shores of Nineveh! See! We all get what we want! You get a nice boat trip, I get to have you swallowed up by a whale, you get to escape, I get to send you to Nineveh, and they get a new beach! Isn’t collaborative management fantastic?”


“Don’t forget your rain slicker and water-proof boots. Whales bellies are kinda messy.”

15 Million Years Later…

“So, your full name is…”

“Divine Goddess of All That Is – or ‘God’ for short. Of course, I answer to just about anything people call me – as long as it’s meant to be respectful.”

“As long as they don’t call you late for dinner?”


“Well God, it’s great to have you here with us in our studio tonight. I’m sure our listeners out there are just as pleased that you’re here.”

“Thank you. I’m always here.”

“True. So, what are some of the other names people have known you by?”

“Allah has been popular, also Yahweh, Brahman, El, Uhura-Mazda, Bob, Zork, ‘Hey You!’ and a few million other names that I can’t pronounce in your language. But please – my last name isn’t “Dammit!’”

“And your job title is…”

“Divine Creator of Everything.” <smile>

“Even small pox?”

“Sorry about that – but viruses are people too. Most live in happy symbiosis. It’s only a few that get out of hand and make trouble. I can say the same thing about people.”

“Like Adolf Hitler?”

“Why do people always bring up Hitler? It’s like, despite all the forgiveness that people want for themselves, they still don’t want any for Hitler! You know, he’s not the only one who did bad stuff.”

“I guess that’s true. Still, in retrospect, if you had it to do over again, what about Reality would you create differently?”

“Oh, but I DO have it to do over again! And again and again! In fact, as often as I want! I’ve already done this like, dozens of times already! You’ve heard of the Gambooble Tree?”

“No, I can’t say that I have.”

“Of course not! It was a lovely tree, but it stank to high Heaven (literally) and aggravated everyone’s allergies. So I decided to leave it out of this Reality. And you’ve heard of ‘elves’ and ‘dwarves’ and ‘goblins’, haven’t you?”

“Yes, but they’re just fairy tales.”

“Piffle! My last five Universes were just chock full of them! But this time I decided to try a Universe without them. I still send people inspiring stories about them.”

“I see. So, how often have you used a Holy Ghostwriter to convey your messages?”

“All the time! I’m always in contact with everyone, but they don’t always hear me. Sometimes, hearing my voice is like trying to hear a whisper in an anvil factory!”

“You mean that ‘still, small voice’?”

“I should have made it a ‘still small shout!’ Sometimes I have to shout to be heard over the din of thoughts in your heads! And the sad thing is, you usually believe that your own thoughts are more real than my Voice!”

“Is this why you decided to try the talk-radio circuit?

“YES! I decided to try this as a means of speaking to people.”

“What about all those ‘prophets’ that you used in the past?”

“Oh – that turned out to be disastrous! It began with that Evil Marketing guy, who kept talking about ‘Prophet and Loss’, so I decided to give it a try. Well, Prophets may look good on paper, but they just aren’t that great in real life. They’re long dead before anyone ever believes them, by which time their message has been so distorted by the press that it’s worse than if I hadn’t used them at all! I mean, just look at all that stuff people wrote about Moses – and half of it isn’t even true!”

“You mean the story about the Burning Bush and all that?”

“<ahem> it was a designated campsite. I had the fire under control the whole time. The world was never in any real danger.”

“And the plagues on Eygpt? Were those real, or just stories?”

“Actually, all I did was have Moses threaten to invent video games and introduce them to all of Pharaoh’s kids. Pharaoh cried ‘give me flies, locusts, anything but video games!’ After that, he was more than happy to let the Hebrews go. It’s just a shame that I didn’t pick a messenger with a better sense of direction.”

“I’ve heard that the Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years because Moses wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.”

“EXACTLY! That’s exactly what happened! Day and night, all I heard was ‘I know the way to France!’ And the next day – they’re in Yemen!”

“France? I thought they were going to Canaan?”

“Are you kidding?? Have you ever seen Canaan? ‘Land of milk and honey’ my Divine Butt! No – I just got tired of him always getting lost. You know, once he actually got halfway to China! He turned around in Tibet when he decided that this couldn’t be the beaches of the Riviera! No, when he finally hit Canaan I just cried out ‘STOP! YOU’VE MADE IT! THIS WAS THE PROMISED LAND ALL ALONG!’ I even suggested that ‘Canaan’ was just the local word for ‘France’!”

“And the whole business about Moses not being able to cross the Jordan to enter the Promised Land? What was that all about?”

“Oh, he wanted to part the Jordan and make a big entrance! He can’t part his hair, but he wants to part every body of water he sees! I said ‘No’ and he pouted. Can you imagine – 40 years of wandering and he thinks he can just walk right into Canaan like HE was the big hero and I was only along for the ride!

“It sounds like this whole ‘Prophet’ business was a bad idea from the outset.”

“Yes – and I punished the Marketing Guy who gave me the idea by making him spend his whole time doing nothing but tending my barbeque!”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“Have you ever tried cooking with Plutonium?”

“I can’t say that I have.”

“Let’s just say that it keeps him busy!” <smirk>

“I see the telephone lines are really lit up – shall we take a few phone calls?”


“Hello, you’re on the air with God!”

[…Uh…hello…I’m Carol, and]

“Yes, I know. The answer is ‘Yes’, and it will be better than you imagined.”

[…oh…but, I didn’t ask my question yet.]

“I’m Omniscient and Omnipresent … I knew your real needs before you ever asked!”

[…oh, well Thanks! I’m happy .. I guess]

“It will be the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have! Believe Me, you’ll thank Me!”

“Well! I have no idea what that was about! I wonder, would it be too much trouble to let our listeners hear the question as well? They may have the same question.”

“Oh, yes, of course. Cindy – the answer is ‘No’! And stop teasing your little sister!”

“And on to our next caller. Hello, you’re on the air with God!”

[Thank you, God. I’m Elaine. If you see my husband up there, please ask him where he left the safety deposit box key. I can’t find it and all of our important papers are there.]

“It’s under the washing machine in the garage.”

[Oh! Thanks! Thank you very much … God!]

“And our next caller is online. Hello, you’re on the air with God!”

[So, is there really a Hell?]

“Do you think the Universe would better if there were? Personally, I’d rather give Love than punishment. Isn’t that what you give to your own children?”

[Well, yes…but what about the Bad people?]

“Has there ever been anyone in your life that you’ve been bad to?”

[uh… I guess…a few times…]

“Then ask them if they want you to be punished in Hell.”

[Oh God! … I mean, I guess they’d want me to go there…but I’m not really a bad person!]

“Then it sounds like you’d prefer a Universe with Love and Forgiveness instead of Hell.”

[Yes…I guess I would.]

“Then you have your answer. And the best part is, you can create either one! You can create Hell on Earth, or create Love and Forgiveness! I think you made the right choice. Just think of other people as Me in disguise! That should make it easy!”

[I never though of it that way. Thanks!]

“And stop talking on your cell phone while you drive to work. It makes other people nervous.”

{Oh! Ok. I’ll stop!]

“And…we’re ready for our next caller. Hello, you’re on the air with God! And your name is…?”

[Bob. I want to ask God – why did you create Evil?]

“I didn’t. Evil is just a name you give to things that you don’t like. Remember – you’re just one aspect of All That Is, and not everything is going to be conducive to your personal existence. Remember my first lesson learned?”

[uh….no…what was it?]

“Never create anything unless I also create something that eats it!”

[gulp….but, that doesn’t seem fair…]

“Just think of your True identity as being a part of Me – which it is. Most of what you call ‘You’ is just an artifact of biology – and that part’s going to get eaten. But if you go inside and ask yourself who you truly are, you’ll find Me!”

[Oh…ok. Uh…does that mean I have to go to shoe sales?]

“Absolutely!! Unless you really don’t want to. Maybe we can go fishing instead?”

[That would be nice – I love fishing!]

“The fish don’t.”

[gulp…I…I see your point.]

“That’s ok. Just think of everything as going back to Me so it can re-manifest as something new!”

[Thanks. <click>]

“GERALD! Stop playing with your cell phone and pay attention to your driving!!! …… Thank you!”

“I guess there are some real advantages to being God!”

“Oh yes! For one thing, I get to play with all of you!”

“I think we have time for one more call. Hello, you’re on the air with God!”

[<sniffle> I…I fear my husband has been…]

“No dear, he hasn’t. But that’s ok – you still have the Fear, and sometimes that’s all we need!”

[Huh? I don’t understand?]

“There are only two real emotions – Love and Fear. All the Bad stuff comes from Fear, like Anger, Hate, and Jealousy. They all have their roots in the fear of something. Fear of abandonment is a big one, and Fear of losing control. If you can drop those fears, then all of those bad feelings will just go away.”

[But ..aren’t you supposed to be a jealous God?]

“And who told you that? It’s sad that people can say such nonsense and still be believed. I’m not afraid of anything, so how could I be jealous? I’m sorry, Annette, but I’m just not that way. But that’s ok – if you really need jealousy, you can create as much as you like. That’s the beauty of being You – you can create so many of the things that you need most, like Love and Hate.”

[But – wait, I didn’t give you my name. And, why would I want to be afraid and hateful?]

“Like God doesn’t know who you are! My dear, you are hateful and jealous because you’re afraid! If you fear abandonment long enough, then you’ll convince yourself that you are in imminent danger of being abandoned. Then you begin hating the person who you fear will abandon you, and the jealousy starts to rise. That increases the fear – and it becomes a vicious cycle! Then you start pushing him away – he feels like he’s losing you – he stops talking to you – your fear of abandonment increases – you see where this leads, don’t you?”

[yes…I…I think so. You mean, I just have to trust him?]

“Exactly! Oh, and tell him that God wants him to take you out and get your hair and nails done. You deserve it, dearie!”

[He says he doesn’t believe in God.]

“Tell him it doesn’t matter – I believe in him! That’s all that really matters. If he loves you, then he loves Me too! Remember – whatever you do to the least of you, you also do to Me! By loving you, he loves Me in the best possible way!”

[Thanks .. really, you’ve been great. And that whole ‘Black Plague’ thing – I forgive you. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to turn out that way.]

“Thanks! Sometimes I need to hear that, too!”

“Well, it’s been a great show! We’ve been talking to God. We’re just about out of time – have you any final words of inspiration for our listeners out there?”

“Have fun! Be kind to others. Treat others as if they were Me (they are, and you are too). Love and Laugh and Play and Work and jump in puddles and tell silly stories – and above all, don’t take yourselves so seriously. I don’t!”

“And thank you, Your Divinity, for taking time out of your busy schedule to visit our show. Good night everyone!”

<Lights go out…>



Uh oh – that can’t be Good…